Sandy MacReedy: I want you to kill every gopher on the course.
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key.
Sandy MacReedy: Gophers! You great git! Not golfers! The little brown furry rodents!
Carl Spackler: We can do that. We don't even have to have a reason.
* * * *
Carl Spackler: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.
* * * *
Carl Spackler: This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
* * * *
Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald. striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga gunga - gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
* * * *
Carl Spackler: He's a Cinderella boy. Turns his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left. And he's got a...it looks like he's got a eight iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion. ... He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 iron I think ... it's in the hole!"
* * * *
Carl Spackler: This place got a pool?
Ty Webb: Pool and a pond... Pond be good for you.
* * * *
Ty Webb: This your place, Carl?
Carl Spackler: Yeah, whatta ya think?
Ty Webb: It's really... awful.
Carl Spackler: Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know... credit trouble.
* * * *
Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.
* * * *
Ty Webb: I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.
* * * *
Judge Smails:: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
* * * *
Al Czervik: What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat?
Judge Smails:: Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[Swings club, slices ball into woods]
Judge Smails: *Damn*.
Al Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.
* * * *
Al Czervik: You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
* * * *
Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
* * * *
Al Czervik: Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.
* * * *
Al Czervik: Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
* * * *
Al Czervik: Orange balls! Hey, I'll have a box of those...give me a box of those naked lady tee's, and give me two of those..and give me six of those...aww this is the worst looking hat I ever saw...you buy a hat like this and you get a free bowl of soup. Looks good on you though!
* * * *
Carl Spackler: Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still.
* * * *
Carl Spackler: "I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think."
* * * *
Sandy:
Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today is the day we change the holes. Now, do it, and no more slacking off.
Carl Spackler:
I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.
* * * *
Carl Spackler: Oh, Mrs. Crane, I'm looking at you... You wore green so you could hide. I don't blame you - you're a tramp! Ooh! That was right where you wanted it! Ooh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman you know that? You're a little monkey woman... You're lean and you're mean and you're not too far between either I bet, are ya? Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?
* * * *
Carl Spackler: Freeze Gopher!
* * * *
Carl Spackler: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote.
* * * *
Carl Spackler: I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.
* * * *
Richard Richards: Better come in till this blows over.
Bishop: What do you think, fella?
Carl Spackler: I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff's gonna come down for quite awhile.
Bishop: You're right. Anyway, the Good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.
* * * *
Ty Webb: "Remember Danny - Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left."
* * * *
Ty Webb: Thank you very little.
* * * *
Ty Webb: Don't be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher Basha once wrote, 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.' He was a funny guy.
* * * *
Ty Webb: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.
* * * *
Ty Webb: You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.
* * * *
Al Czervik:
You scrathed my anchor.
* * * *
Al Czervik: [after an airplane passes just above his head]
I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!
* * * *
Al Czervik: Hey, Smails! My dinghy's bigger than your whole boat!
* * * *
Al Czervik: No respect.
* * * *
Tony D'Annunzio: [carrying Czervik's golf bag]
What do you got in here, rocks?
Al Czervik: Are you kiddin'? When I was your age, I would lug fifty pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs!
Tony D'Annunzio: [puts down Czervik's bag, exasperated]
So what?
Al Czervik: So what? [opens compartment in golf bag, revealing radio]
Al Czervik: So let's dance!
[turns on Journey's "Any Way You Want It," high volume]
* * * *
Al Czervik: [breaks wind at a dinner]
Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?
* * * *
Al Czervik: Now I know why tigers eat their young.
* * * *
Al Czervik: Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
* * * *
Al Czervik: Hey, that kangaroo just took my ball.
* * * *
Dr. Beeper: I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty Webb: I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.
* * * *
Judge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
* * * *
[Judge Smails is taking an inordinately long time to hit his drive on the first tee, while Al Czervik waits in the next foursome]
Al Czervik:
While we're young.
* * * *
Danny Noonan: I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
Lacey Underall: [to Danny]
Nice try.
